This morning I decided I needed better karma in my life.<\/p>
On the school run I tend to be very aggressive in my car. I\u2019m usually late, my hair and I have already had an argument and my kid is eating his breakfast on the go because he\u2019s inherited his mother\u2019s inability to get ones lazy ass out of bed.<\/p>
So this morning I decided I\u2019d follow up any bad behaviour of mine with a more pleasant and karma pleasing comment.<\/p>
Here\u2019s how it went;<\/p>
First thing. Dropping the big child off at the train station. Not my first born, that\u2019s my husbands moniker. He fannies about getting his bags from the car boot at the station. I tut loudly and say \u201churry up you dickhead\u201d to myself.<\/p>
Okay, here it begins. Breathe. Think karma and nice thoughts.<\/p>
\u201cOkay darling. Shall I get you a nice dinner in for later? Have a good one. No, no, it\u2019s fine that you just slammed my car boot that hard. Don\u2019t worry, ha ha, nobody\u2019s died. Of course I\u2019ll get your suit dry cleaned today. Team work eh? Love you bye\u201d.<\/p>
First hurdle jumped.<\/p>
I drive away feeling pleased I was able to keep my calm and stay karma positive.<\/p>
A couple run straight out in front of my car without looking. They are young and hot. They are wearing great running gear. Not like the Matalan stuff I wear when I attempt to start running for the 7th time in a year and then realise 25 seconds into it that it\u2019s actually a horrible fucking past time.<\/p>
These people obviously do it regularly. It\u2019s part of their routine. She has a beautiful swishy ponytail that\u2019s gracefully swinging in the autumnal air. He\u2019s laughing (LAUGHING WHILE RUNNING) at something she\u2019s said. They are obviously charming and successful. Neither are sweating.<\/p>
\u201cGet out of my way you pair of fucking losers! Who runs in bastard November? Go home and sit on the sofa like the rest of us unhappy arseholes. God you make me sick!\u201d.<\/p>
Breathe.<\/p>
\u201cI\u2019m just jealous. Well done you. Now, if you could just run past so I can get on that would be great. Have a nice day!\u201d.<\/p>
Driving up the hill towards school. Some prick isn\u2019t stopping on the side of the road with the parked cars. It\u2019s a white van (of course). I have to squeeze into a space as he arrogantly pushes past me in his cunt wagon. He doesn\u2019t say thank you.<\/p>
\u201cYou appalling human! I hope you get explosive and uncontrollable diarrhoea later you inconsiderate bell end!\u201d.<\/p>
Breathe.<\/p>
\u201cOkay dude. No worries. Have a great one fitting that kitchen. I\u2019m sure Mrs. Wilson will be thrilled with her under floor heating and new sink. Good stuff. Thanks for being a hard working part of society. Cheers\u201d.<\/p>
I see the 7th lone magpie of my morning. I\u2019m a superstitious idiot so I\u2019ve already saluted and whistled at his previous 6 mates. I look like I\u2019m having a stroke at this point.<\/p>
\u201cFuck off will you! That\u2019s the 7th one of you I\u2019ve spotted. Will you just bugger off I\u2019m trying to concentrate here! I can\u2019t spend my bloody morning hailing and clicking at wildlife like a stupid prat. Oh and by the way, the noise you make is shit. Can\u2019t you sing nicely like a robin or a blackbird? Evolve please! You sound like the cackling whores of the bird world!\u201d.<\/p>
Breathe.<\/p>
\u201cGod\u2019s creatures. God\u2019s creatures. I love nature, I love nature\u201d.<\/p>
This is going amazingly well. I feel calm. I\u2019m actually chuckling to myself a bit. Going round the roundabout I spy my ultimate nemesis. My kryptonite. My Achilles heel starts to itch.<\/p>
Cyclists. 6 of them. Scattered all over the road. At rush hour on a Tuesday morning.<\/p>
\u201cYou bastards\u201d I seethe through my teeth.<\/p>
Breathe. Drive past them slowly.<\/p>
Breathe. BREATHE.<\/p>
Nope.<\/p>
\u201cYoooooooou bastards\u201d.<\/p>