I\u2019ve had a snackcident.<\/p>
Oh fuck off Quality Street. You know exactly what you\u2019re doing putting your chocolate tubs out on September the bloody 1st.<\/p>
You know foolish dickheads like me will buy a few to put away in a cupboard \u201cfor Christmas\u201d.<\/p>
Then they start to call to you from their shadowy hiding place - like something from a horror film.<\/p>
\u201cHeeeeelloo. It\u2019s us. The Quality Street chocolates behind the dried pasta. We are delicious and you\u2019ve had a shit daaaaaay. We want to help you. Come get us. Let us wrap you in our sweet chocolatey warmth and make it alllllll better\u201d.<\/p>
Twats!<\/p>
The loudest voice in the tub is the blue one. Because it knows I\u2019m the only fucker who like him.<\/p>
\u201cNooooobody will misssssss meeeee!\u201d.<\/p>
Yes. I\u2019m one of those perverts who like the coconut ones.<\/p>
So I plan to just fish a few blue ones out. A couple to sedate the sweetie demon in my head. Cup of tea and a small coconut rush? Don\u2019t mind if a do!<\/p>
I rip the lid off, coughing loudly as I do so as to not alert the 11 year old (lurking somewhere in another room of the house) of this new possible prey to his afternoon snack hunt.<\/p>
But wait. There are none on top, the coconut ones are being unusually elusive. There are however, a COUPLE OF ORANGE CRUNCH CREAMS and a TOFFEE FUCKING BATON staring right at me.<\/p>
The absolute bastards.<\/p>
I cannot resist. The urge is too strong. And I\u2019ve already made my tea which is now also singing the harmony part of \u201cthey taste even better with meeeeeeee\u201d.<\/p>
I am weak. I am a hot mess. I\u2019ve even had a couple of those shitty brown ones that NO ONE eats. Well played Quality Street, well played. You win again this year.<\/p>